| The Wisdom of Homer! |
| From the Cultural Guide Series ... |
| If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing! If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair. Children are our future. Unless we stop them now. If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English. English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, you. My wife's not some doobie to be passed around! I took a vow on our wedding day to Bogart her for life. Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don't even get paid for the stuff they do? Roads are just a suggestion Marge, just like pants. My favorite kind of wild animal is on a plate. I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene." Is the poop deck really what I think it is? I have a great new motivation technique, it is donuts, and the possibility of more donuts. If God didn't want me to eat chicken in church, then he would have made gluttony a sin. I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man. Vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins and Eskimos. How is education going to make me smarter? Marge, every time I learn something new it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember that time I learned how to make wine and forgot how to drive? How many pounds are in a gallon? They didn't have any aspirin, so I got you some cigarettes. I wish God were alive to see this. When are people going to learn? Democracy doesn't work. I've got to get out of this rut and back in the groove. Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out. If God didn't want us to eat animals, then why'd he make them so tasty? Oh, spiteful one! Tell me who to smote and they shall be smotted. Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail. Operator! Give me the number for 911! All these guys with six pack abs, and I'm the only one with a keg. Marge, try to understand. There are two types of college students, jocks and nerds. As a jock, it is my duty to give nerds a hard time. Marge, it's uter-us not uter-you. Marge your cooking only has two moves, Shake and Bake. If the Bible has taught us anything—which it hasn't—it's that girls should stick to girl's sports like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing and such and such. My dreams have been shattered into shards of a broken dream. We can hike anytime. This is our chance to see cars driving. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. I can't take his money. I can't print my own money. You want me to work for money. Why don't I just lay down and die! Operator! Give me the number for 911! Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope. Television. Teacher, mother, secret lover. A woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good and you'd step over your own mother just to get one. Damn you, Rock-em Sock-em Robots! Can't we all just get along? I was working on a flat tax proposal and accidentally proved there was no God. A gun is not a weapon, it's a tool, like a hammer or a screwdriver or an alligator. I think I've figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time. Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves. American donuts. Glazed, powdered and raspberry-filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice? Canada? Why would I want to leave America just to visit America, Jr.? I never apologize, I'm sorry but that's the way I am. I'd love to go to church, honey, but I've got a lot of work to do around the bed. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb. Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy. Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals. But Dad, you're a very old man, and old people are useless. He's trying to hypnotize me, and it's not in that good Las Vegas kind of way. What's the point of having children if you can't buy their love? It's like the story of David and Goliath, except this time David won. It takes two to lie, Marge. One to lie and one to listen. Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right, no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one. That horse had better win, or else we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come. Internet. They have that on computers now? You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel. Assaulting your family is one thing, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog. Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don't think guns are great then we'll argue some more. Extended warranty! How can I lose? I wanna set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute. Son, you don't want beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs. People can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that. Dear Baby, welcome to Dumpville. Population: You. The other day I was so desperate for a beer, I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers. A graduate student, huh? How come you guys can go to the moon, but you can’t make my shoes smell good? God bless those pagans! To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems. I want answers now, or I want them eventually! You couldn't fool me on the foolingest day of the year with an electrified fooling machine. Remember last month I paid back that money you loaned me? Well, now I need you to do me a favor! First you tell me not to buy the pony, now you're telling me to take it back. Make up your mind! In this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. I've always been a firm believer in the three Rs. Reading TV Guide, writing to TV Guide and renewing TV Guide. It's true I'm a rageoholic. I just can't live without rageahol. It's true I'm a rageoholic. I'm addicted to rageohol. In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat! You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? Can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain. Yes, honey, just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle. We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you? Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it. Alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it. The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do. Flanders, it's no use praying. I already did the same thing, and we can't both win. No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions you must have been out taking a whizz. There are only so many times I can say sorry and still mean it. Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation. Consider them smacked and hugged. I don't consider it a message if it's not mixed anyway. If God had wanted me to go to church for an hour a week, he would have made the week an hour longer. Leaves of four, eat some more! Dear Lord, thank you for this microwave bounty, even though we don't deserve it. I mean, our kids are uncontrollable Hellions, pardon my French, but they act like savages! Did you see them at the picnic? Oh, of course you did, you're everywhere, you're omnivorous. It's because they're stupid. That's why everyone does everything. Hallucinations again? I probably shouldn't have eaten that packet of powdered gravy I found in the parking lot. Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream? This gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun. But I used to rock and roll all night and party every day, then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky. Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream? Why, you could wake up tomorrow and be dead. You gave both dogs away? You know how I feel about giving. With $10,000, we can be millionaires! It's going to take a lot of fireworks to clean this mess up. Ah, beer. My love for you will never die. The fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose—it's how drunk you get. Lisa, if you don't like your job, you don't strike—you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way. It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, "Cover for me." Number two, "Oh, good idea, boss!" Number three, "It was like that when I got here." Because sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves! Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep, I was drunk! Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college. I can't wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I'm not popular enough to be different. Homer: Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy. Marge: What's that? Homer: A dinosaur! Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman! When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie, Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie, Police Academy. And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. (Praying) Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy bidding will be done. What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway. Internet! Is that thing still around? Trying is the first step towards failure. All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer. You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay. Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know? A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets, and he lives on a plantation in Hawaii. Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem? Bart, you're saying "butt-kisser" like it's a bad thing! Beer. Now there's a temporary solution. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. I hope I didn't brain my damage. Carnies built this country, the carnival part of it, anyway. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming. All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body. If God didn't want me to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin. I think the saddest day of my life was when I realized I could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced that at the age of four. Can you take the wheel for a second? I have to scratch my self in two places at once. It is better to watch things than do them. Good things don't end in "eum," they end in "mania" or "teria." I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. Stupid risks make life worth living. How come the bear can crap in the woods and I can't? I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood. Stupid T.V. Be more funny. A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center. I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around. You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on. I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are. Now I prepare my soul for an eternity of fire and poking. Let your children run wild and free, because, as the old saying goes, let your children run wild and free. Let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow. I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich. Old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use. Without TV, it is hard to know when one day ends and another begins. I may be naked and reeking with panda love, but I have my dignity. I don't have to be careful. I've got a gun! I've seen plays that were more exciting than this! Honest to god, PLAYS! Being eaten by a crocodile is just like falling asleep—in a blender. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel. Shut up brain or I'll stab you with a cue tip! I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. SMRT. There's that purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit! Marge, tonight we're gettin' drive-thru and doin' it twice! The winner will be praised with riches, the loser will be booed until my throat is sore. You're lucky boy, because it's spanking season and I got a hankerin' for some spankerin'. Florida. That's America's wang. Don't hassle the dead boy. They have eerie powers. Let us celebrate our new arrangement with the adding of chocolate to milk. Crying won't bring your dog back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So, you can go on sitting there crying and eating dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food for your dog to come back, or you get up and find your dog! Note to self. Stop doing anything. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here anytime he wants and start shoving you around. Quiet honey, you don't know how big this government is. It goes all the way to the President. Let the bears pay the bear tax, I pay the Homer tax. If it's brown drink it down, if it's black send it back. Who needs new music? We all know rock music attained perfection in 1974. Homer no function beer well without. I'm just trying to get into heaven. I'm not running for Jesus. Get me some Ketchup. I'm trying to eat a salad here. |
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| Bart: "Dad, I need 3 dollars." Homer: "No problem. Here." Bart: "Hey, this isn't real money!" Homer: "Well, it'll be real soon enough." |